D.A.R.K. [Fractured & Jonathon]

D.A.R.K.

Fractured & Jonathon
_______


The trees follow my every
step, I pray upon God for
the sunset. The wind blows
the leaves like an explosion
does to cities. I keep on
jogging down the pathway
that sways through the
forest. I feel like a tourist,
with every tree and animal
staring me down. Spiders
scurry across the ground
as if some catastrophe is
coming. I hear the sound
of drums drumming. Closer,
they grow nearer, and the
reflection from the creaks
show my fear. By now, I'm
no longer jogging. But now
running from the beat that's
clogging my passion. Tripping
over a log left in the path,
the wrath of attraction. I
look above me, that drumming
becomes a silent feebleness.
My only weakness is the damn
anxiety I suffer from, it's dumb
but. My time has come, so I
shut my eyes. I Let the end
begin then quickly finish. And I
listened so closely, yet never
noticed...
darkness falls like movies
trees sway with wind as one
it's confusing...
shadows swallow me whole
so I reach, grasping the -
lightpole of... darkness?
how is this possible;
my shining star lights
are as black as midnight..
I'd scream for help,
but my lungs fill with
nicotine infected darkness.
so i'll shut my eyes;
take it in like i'm a sinner.
I'll wave my hand in
motion to move the others
towards me, but they,
stay away because -
I..
am..
darkness?
The beating was my heart,
and I've died in my sleep...
in the dark.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ft-358045.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nz-357860.html

up.

deep. i liked the progression of this piece. great describing words. i enjoyed reading this =]

up.

good piece, dudes.. real intense.. both of you played your parts well.. everything seemed on track from the both of you.. describing every little thing happening.. shows both of you have alot of talent writing... sounded like something coming out of a dean koontz book.. no doubt.. anyhow.. overall.. wonderful jobs, dudes.. keep writin'.. maybe get another collab goin' on together sometime.. I really enjoyed this.. interesting.. and im into this kinda stuff... dark poetry.. thanks for the read.. one..

I liked it to be honest... at first, the whole "darkness" thing came off as a played old thing and this was going to be "just another piece" but hey, thank you for proving me wrong! there was no dissapointment here, and I was surprised at how well both of you go together... your styles just flow together like you're the same person writing here. yeah, come to think of it, you guys do just as good together as Heychoo and Jonathon did together... it's a real good combo here... I'd suggest doing more work together and getting your juices out. great read... liked it. nom'd.

thanks.. uppin

Thanks a lot man.

Jonathon, get two more links if you're going to keep upping this bro. Don't want a HoF nominated piece getting closed.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...me-358295.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...oy-358494.html

Ah, I was expecting more.

Let's see, bell, you need to work on where to put your breaks. You have to learn what you need to emphasize, this isn't a topical so you don't have to worry about making it look pretty, as long as the breaks are in the right place then you'll have a much better connection with the reader because it will emphasize the right words and will get your point across much more clearly. I actually abandoned your structure a couple of lines in and read it straight through without stopping at your breaks, it read much smoother and sort of like a short story. I felt that your lines were "poetic" but I didn't feel that what you wrote was poetry. I see you trying to elevate though, so I'm glad to see that. I love the line about explosion through cities, that's actually really dope. A great use of simile. Remember your literary devices. Metaphor, simile, imagery, onomatopoeia, atmosphere, tone, diction, and all that good stuff. Work on each of these to really make your poetry complete. I think that right now you're at a level where you still have to get the basics down and only THEN will you be able to convey yourself truly like a poet. I did it, I practiced my imagery for a while, a couple of years back I was just known for painting vivid pictures. Then metaphors and similes, I really started to understand what made a simile come alive. Then I worked on my tone, I developed my own voice in my writing, even trying to master onomatopoeia at the same time. Take it step by step, progress is a slow process my friend.

Jon, I don't think you really put much effort into this. I don't know if I'm guessing right because I haven't read enough of your work to know the full extent of your talent but this hardly seemed like something that would get you to where you are now. I wont bother putting much input into this but your part of it was decent. Imagery was good.

Thanks a shit load man. I'll take that all into thought and work on all of it. Thankyou so much for the feedback.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Ex.Machina.

Ah, I was expecting more.

Let's see, bell, you need to work on where to put your breaks. You have to learn what you need to emphasize, this isn't a topical so you don't have to worry about making it look pretty, as long as the breaks are in the right place then you'll have a much better connection with the reader because it will emphasize the right words and will get your point across much more clearly. I actually abandoned your structure a couple of lines in and read it straight through without stopping at your breaks, it read much smoother and sort of like a short story. I felt that your lines were "poetic" but I didn't feel that what you wrote was poetry. I see you trying to elevate though, so I'm glad to see that. I love the line about explosion through cities, that's actually really dope. A great use of simile. Remember your literary devices. Metaphor, simile, imagery, onomatopoeia, atmosphere, tone, diction, and all that good stuff. Work on each of these to really make your poetry complete. I think that right now you're at a level where you still have to get the basics down and only THEN will you be able to convey yourself truly like a poet. I did it, I practiced my imagery for a while, a couple of years back I was just known for painting vivid pictures. Then metaphors and similes, I really started to understand what made a simile come alive. Then I worked on my tone, I developed my own voice in my writing, even trying to master onomatopoeia at the same time. Take it step by step, progress is a slow process my friend.

Jon, I don't think you really put much effort into this. I don't know if I'm guessing right because I haven't read enough of your work to know the full extent of your talent but this hardly seemed like something that would get you to where you are now. I wont bother putting much input into this but your part of it was decent. Imagery was good.

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good job on spotting that..

i just freestlyed it in like 5 minutes so he'd quit pming me.

Douche.

good collab........but in this piece I don't see anyhting that really stood out.
I thought that in this piece y'all would play around more with the D.A.R.K...thing as an acronym....and like both of y'all coulda came up with diff meanings for it....

the rhymes seemed to be too much in auto-pilot for my liking....
ledgens is alot better than he dropped in this piece.
And frac is alot better than this also....this didn't show off either of you guys full potential.
I think you both just liked the title so you hopped on it.
pz