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Thread: The Hidden Diaries:Demonic Seeds

  1. #1
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    The Hidden Diaries:Demonic Seeds

    Pondering thoughts, dwelling answers to a commotion
    Demons in my head, planting evil seeds in advance motion
    The seeds start to grow, causing moral indecisions
    Body moving forward, unlatched lion on a mission
    Slowly hatching, the seeds reciting plans of destruction
    Swaying forward, symptoms occurring of thy losing function
    Spirit within, asking for help, evil corroding through
    An opposite of the Good Samaritan, not a halo but a dark hue
    Darkness enveloping, fear and cowardice bringing the good down
    Like a boat in a storm, eventually it will drown
    See lone footsteps in the desert, in the air I see
    Evil, the devil sitting in the liquor store, Hennessey
    Staggering ways, track to track on a sinning spree
    Life like granules of sand, falling through the glass easily
    The seeds hatch, demons sparkin’ a flame
    The devils advocate, 666 engraved in my brain
    Like Judas, I betray my own and let them die
    Though I see no change of colour or thunder clattering in the sky
    I hear voices preaching, trying to show me the way
    Like an enigma the demons spread, indicating there’s not long to stay
    Ashes will be ashes; I can already feel the wilting of my life
    Strife caused by demonic seeds, why people try to strive
    The pondering thought, I have an answer to the commotion
    Knowledge though is not flowed but kept preserved as a potion

    Let demonic seeds hatch and stain
    Let them catch and gain
    Another mans brain, it’s simple and plain
    Life’s a stage, showing the play of disdain
    The playwrights, devil and god, correct each other in vain
    The play fails……..
    Audience start to leave through disbelief and stupor
    The notes contained are sacred so do not stir……
    (Page ripped, have to find the next page soon)

  2. #2
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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  3. #3
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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  4. #4
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Aight, now gimme love

  5. #5
    -GoD-
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    nice piece brought out alotta emotion and liked the vocab and flow waas good liked the imagery alot to really brouhgt out the emotion in the story to
    id rate this 9/10 really touching

    nice work keep it up

  6. #6
    J.Christ
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    Darkness enveloping, fear and cowardice bringing the good down
    Like a boat in a storm, eventually it will drown
    See lone footsteps in the desert, in the air I see
    Evil, the devil sitting in the liquor store, Hennessey
    Staggering ways, track to track on a sinning spree
    i felt you actin like pac too much on this lil piece . .
    Come on ya own tip .

    (demons sparkin’ a flame
    The devils advocate, 666 engraved in my brain)
    then
    ( hear voices preaching, trying to show me the way
    Like an enigma the demons spread, indicating there’s not long to stay)
    then
    (Let demonic seeds hatch and stain
    Let them catch and gain)
    You keep knoccin on the devils door long enough, somebody gon answer . .

    See a psychiatrist
    <-----My opinion .
    And this whole piece was . .. On some excorcist shit . RAP

  7. #7
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    ok heres my short feedback because i cant coment on much with this peice i think you should tighten up your structer and decrease the size of font you use because its hard to depict whats supposed to rhyme with what and the fact that this is coming from a more experienced user then i say you should look back on other ppls shit and see what you can do to improve

  8. #8
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    ok you already decreased it while i was typing it but anyways everything still goes from the post before

  9. #9
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Decreased it, hmmmm?
    Ayo, J. Christ, if i use the word Hennessey you think i'm actin' like Pac? This was a topical about demonic seeds, so it had to be accociated with the devil somehow.
    Yeah god thanks for the comments.....uppin'

  10. #10
    You've Earned a Custom Title! The Vortex's Avatar
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    nice title

    cool poetry
    ...structure...yeah
    flow...yeah
    multies..mos def
    ,,,,wording /stucture//vocab..sic
    lost a little flow somewhere in the middle of the vese..for lack of a word or 2..
    nice ending hokk..

    sic drop

    stay1

    pz

    check this drop1
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=268515


    ....
    .................................................. ......................

  11. #11
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    aight thanks dog

  12. #12
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    uppin'

  13. #13
    On My Murdaland Shit Arsenist3rd*'s Avatar
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    I was really feelin it nice use of vocab I mean it wasn't like u was usin big words ta sound tite u did tha damn thang
    Blow It Out U're Ass

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  14. #14
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    Aight thanks dog......uppin

  15. #15
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    i liked the 1st part better than the 2nd......u're a true artist....keep rhymin.if i had 2 rate this id give it 9.5/10. holla!

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