Dead C Strolls

[Raptor Jesus]

This is a poem I used as a project for my art class thats gotten a lot of positive feedback.

It was an attempt to conceptualize the act of taking formless language and molding it into something tangible through the written word.


Dead C Strolls

Words: Communes of chaos
Inevitably constructed
By consistent molding
Like the white snow
Given discernible shape
By childish concerns
Externally listless
Given form by juxtaposition
Like the dead shell
Rests on the sea floor
The crab takes its
Lifeless form
Structuring it into a home
Claws become the careful
Hands of craftsmen
What careened nothingness
Is given form
Through careful consideration
Tools willed as cannons
Become the hands
Of a sculptor
Like the nest of a bird
Twigs & figs with rocks & straw
Not cast aside to die amongst the paw
Collectively combined to form creative
Coves of incubation
Like the egg which takes residence
The word is planted and hatches
Born to be catastrophic
Or catalyzing
Of a common good
The dead words come to life
Like Christ carrying wounds
Ad infinitum
Until entropy consumes

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...422/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...478/index.html

[Raptor Jesus]

bump

[The Messenger]

deep, basically to me its sayin that words are nothing alone but become power when they are arranged forming messages the imagery was potent good job.

[djrubiks]

I feel likes its wordy to be wordy; which wouldn't be bad but it makes it increasingly hard to follow as well as, I feel, loses some of the point you were trying to make. For example,

Given discernible shape
By childish concerns
Externally listless
Given form by juxtaposition
Like the dead shell
Rests on the sea floor
The crab takes its
Lifeless form

Rewording this to
Given distinguishable shape
by childish concerns
externally indifferent
given form by side by side comparison

Being compared to the second half which is much more straight forward, oddly enough since I really like that metaphor, there doesn't seem to be any comparison or connection to that previous part. Really my point here, is that its a bit rough and hard to follow; how I learned to read poetry, and how probably many other people have would be to do what I just did, in most cases there are clear comparisons being made at certain points in a poem, whereas here its hard to discern where one thought becomes concrete, what's being carried through out, and where another theme ends, etc. There are parts that make perfect sense then there are other parts which kind of fall apart taking away from the overall piece.