Alone with my thoughts

[Smiless]

The tears they fall,the burden to much
The stress weighs down to where I cant breath
Why did this happen why cant I leave
Why did the love suddenly disappear
You pushed and pushed whenever I was near
And so this house in no longer a home
Alone I walk, I cry, I roam
Memories are all that remain
Not very happy ones, mostly of anger and pain
When did things change, love turn to hate
Never thought this would be fate

The door opens, I'm pulled from my thought
A blank stare in my eyes, realizing we just fought
I love you Im sorry is all I ever hear
I hate you I dont want you to come near
Who holds the fault is it you or is it I
Why cant you see all the tears that I cry

I hold my lips and say not a word
I scream silently but never loud enough to be heard
And so this life I continue to live
You take and take, and I give and give,
You don't know it but I'm dying from within
I live with you but am in love with him

I'll take the blame I cheated its true
When I met him he made me brand new
He took those tears and the pain was gone
He said sometimes forever isnt that long
He gave me hope of a better life
Not just this anger, he also took away the strife
He said not to tell you its just not time
He is replacing those memories of when i was yours and you were mine
He gave me the life you tried so hard to take this time my happiness is real no reason to fake


I look in your eyes push the thoughts away
Wait for the words......"I love you" you say
"I love you to always and forever"
Until the day I break free, him and I will be together



http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...367/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...507/index.html

[MC Safety]

I like it, very nice message, but I think you need to work on your grammar a little.

[artisan.]

interesting how you wrote in cuplets excluding the first line, and I noticed a slant rhyme here n there, which was a nice break from the sing songy vibe of the poem... like I and cry.

I see lots of statements and questions and little showing... I would suggest working on imagery and avoid cluttering your poem with statements and pronouns look at the first word of every line for stanza #4... images can take poems like this from Diary entry to Experience.

also...you pulled off the rhyme alright but don't limit yourself ...rhyme is not required all the time.

overall I would say nice attempt, but it was hard for me to get into personally...

[LiL'LADiE]

Grammar needs working on, your a newbie you will get the hang of posting poems and the right structure it needs to be in... I felt your poem a little bit but i seriously think it could have been a lil bit better. =] but good so far!!

[The Messenger]

with the exception of this part
And so this house in no longer a home
where the "in" should be "is"
I find no faults with this piece
it was full of great imagery, emotion was on point also.
I woul dlove to see more of your work. keep writing

[Yazoo]

Really liked this, nice message,