The Sky

[Chuck Diesel]

The sky falls today,
whimsical clouds now filled with woe.
The burning cigarette behind pastel blues,
has been butt out.

I push forward following
the sound of tear drops,
which carry on for miles.
Not unlike the bloodstained shoes upon my feet.

Shrapnel embedded in my toes,
from the self-inflicted shotgun blast
"Can I continue this journey?"
A question I often ask myself.

My gears grind,
much like that of a clock.
Though my hands of time,
are worn to the bone.

Thoughts running wild,
like wounded prey, I try to
count my paces with precision,
this trek will end soon.

Laces tangle beneath me.
a mouth full of dirt and sand.
Standing erect seems now,
to be nothing more than a pipedream.

My sky has fallen,
carry on or burn out like the rest.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...537/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...567/index.html

[Thugasaurus]

My gears grind,
much like that of a clock.
Though my hands of time,
are worn to the bone

That was probably my favorite part. I definitely enjoyed the tone you used. Here's my complaint/critique:

Shrapnel embedded in my toes,
from the self-inflicted shotgun blast
"Can I continue this journey?"
A question I often ask myself.

The quotation itself just seems out of place in this piece. You don't seem to have issues with wording, so I definitely feel that you could have worded this stanza differently to avoid using the quotation, yet still accomplish what you were trying to say.

That one small thing aside, I enjoyed it a lot. Good piece.

[Chuck Diesel]

upping this beast

[Cinizter]

Shrapnel embedded in my toes,
from the self-inflicted shotgun blast
"Can I continue this journey?"
A question I often ask myself.

In my opinion these lines were good and I liked how you made it a good internal rhyme by not ending in ask...but ending in "ask myself".

this was very well-written and doesn't go off topic. I think that the tone of it was a little depressing and it kinda had a "What more can I do?" kind of vibe to it.......I think that detracted from the read in a way.

peace and keep writing fam.......
I'm OUT

[Know-It-All]

My gears grind,
much like that of a clock.
Though my hands of time,
are worn to the bone.

Thoughts running wild,
like wounded prey, I try to
count my paces with precision,
this trek will end soon.

Laces tangle beneath me.
a mouth full of dirt and sand.
Standing erect seems now,
to be nothing more than a pipedream.

My sky has fallen,
carry on or burn out like the rest.

These last few stanzas are excellent I loved the topic, and tone you brought to this piece. I agree with Prof James above that the quote does seem out of place but somehow to me it works a little but it might be more effective elsewhere. This was a pretty well written piece that I enjoyed.

can you leave some feed on
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...572/index.html
for me please?

[Chuck Diesel]

thanks for the feedage mangs

[Diamondz]

I like it alot keep dropping

[Galactus The Devourer]

really liked the flip on the dont shot yourself in the foot qoute, and the hands of time flip to the hands to the bone.. very creative.. I liked this very much.. great drop

rtf plz

pz