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Good Luck
Last edited by Dead Dogs; September 27th, 2010 at 12:14 AM
Last edited by The Nav Man™; September 26th, 2010 at 11:23 PM
Trapped within the lights of the city..
Where it looks full of life but inside it's all empty..
And from outside it's all tempting..
What..it's all lies upon entry..
:noor:
[YOUTUBE]uGEHlYk4M5c[/YOUTUBE]
http://i51.tinypic.com/11c896a.jpg
I reside in a murky cavern, snoozing on warm boulders,
Lingering for a nomad to find a place for his cold shoulders,
Waiting for a donation….from a stray patient on vacation,
The occasion may come late so there’s a stress rock in rotation,
My fiending fingers are patient.....but now I may starve,
As thoughts of suicide lob through, I spy a body to carve…
I sneak to the pile of leaves, next to the lone pine trees,
To wait for my prey to run away when his eyes find me,
I remain with my brain silent, waiting for my main client,
Designing my devious plan planning to make the pain violent,
I explode from the leaves like insane veins from sleeves,
A meal and slain material’s what I’m strained to achieve,
I snatch him by his long hair n rip it til my palms bare,
He’s there grasping air when I hand out a calm stare,
Second piece of the puzzle is to tape up his muzzle,
Then I’ll dig his pupils out when I grasp the trusty shovel,
His mane and eyes float down the gloomy river fast,
Next on the list is using blood to fill up my silver glass,
Throw his liver in the grass and begin my favorite part,
Slash his heart out sadistically but it tastes very tart,
I need to then rip the skin within the man’s pin remains,
Scan the lad’s shin’s using my home-made silver blade,
My nails get the workout they’ve been expecting for long,
Section by section his coat gets dissected for bones,
Pulled pieces snap back to his shell with a crack,
Everything but a skeleton’s what this young fellow lacks,
This is my daily routine, now it’s back to the cave,
To lie down in the dirt waiting for the next day….
Trapped within the lights of the city..
Where it looks full of life but inside it's all empty..
And from outside it's all tempting..
What..it's all lies upon entry..
:noor:
[YOUTUBE]uGEHlYk4M5c[/YOUTUBE]
http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs28/i/20...nardumaine.jpg
I only have left - the fragments of my brain still intact
whole thing rewinds, binding the lone charicature
to his fractured existence, finding him placed behind
cardboard cutout trees in paper mache pastures.
Once the clouds spoke aloud to him, offered wisdom
as he sat cross-legged on a single rock, the world schisoming
into different pieces of a stock image repeating, and repeating.
the keyhole in the lock of a door leading into things
that should or might have been, he takes stock and brings
a last smoke to his slight lips, breaming with saved up saliva
The arrival should be beautiful.
If something happens to a person - or worse, if something
prevents someone from learning his lesson,
one's only blessing is to hope things don't worsen,
don't devolve and vent deathair into one's mind.
And something did happen - one day, while fastening
the leather gauze around his rotting knee,
he weathered a strange storm, running down a road
lasting far into the horizon.
He returned with a fever, they prescribed pills and the like
his fever lasted two months, he often spit up his lunch
he felt the crunch of something deranged running circles on his brainstem,
and when he stood up, he keeled over and the stunning
reflection of his pant hem unlooped itself
the hardwood floor came apart at the seams
everything with an aura of steam
he crashed down, and was never seen again,
until he showed up three weeks later.
These events did no change him. He still had the fever.
He felt closer to everything, but not any nearer.
Things unfolded as usual, until sometime later
he jumped off a building, racing down against the elevators.
Hidden Content:
NaV.. There was some good and bad to this verse. You had descriptive writing and your multis were okay.. But a lot of your lines and phrases came off as forced. Like viens out of the sleeves.. I didn't care for the content.. To me it seemed like you tried to hard for shock value.. Just didn't have a good effect on me
Mac.. I liked your way of developing ideas and executing them.. The closer was cool.. You def had some good concepts here and there.. But over-all it seemed muddled.. And I caught a lot of your off beat flows.. Some seemed cool.. Some hurt your piece IMO.. I think u fucked with that off kilter rhyme shit a little too much.. In the end I felt a lot more pulled into your piece.. And liked your vibe and style of execution more.. So
V/mac
Last edited by Iglosone; September 25th, 2010 at 06:40 PM
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[youtube]CTMuvPxRWW4[/youtube]
^New Track - Your Dues
Hence/Scytso
HoF x 8
Nav-
Lots of ups and downs concerning this verse imo. Your imagery is perfect, I could follow every line in my mind's eye very easily. But- the concept isn't what it could have been. The sign in your picture says "skin 4 sale" I would have liked to see you tie into that a bit more, and also delve more into the killer's mind so we could at least try to justify the horror core type lines. So- good imagery, did a nice job following the storyline, lacked complexity, had a decent flow tho vocab and rhyme scheme were pretty basic.
Mac-
I can tell I'm going to have an issue with this verse already after reading the first few lines- structure is a common cata for a reason, if you don't have a good one, you don't have the framework for a story/flow/enjoyment. Your line length is a little random, but ehh thats not the end of the world, I've seen and written verses that flow fine even if the lines aren't the same length. What I DO see as a major issue is your rhyme scheme- or lack of...at first I was thinking oh okay hes doing ABCB, then you changed to AA with a slant rhyme, then you didn't rhyme at all, its very...distracting. Your imagery was great, and I thought your word choices were decent. I didn't sense much emotion though, and I felt your ending was very abrupt. so- good imagery, okay complexity, needed a more finished ending, lacked structure, needed more emotion.
vote- Navage, I felt that he was able to convey his story more fluently.
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"Are you playing with yourself?" "Who said I'm playing, I'm being serious!"
Navage: I dug the literal interpretation of your picture. You definitely told the story of the main character....the desolate vulture...with clarity of concept.
The actual wording was a bit off to me...I mean, when writing a story verse...the wording and imagery has to be SPOT ON...because it's so difficult to employ metaphorical comparisons and other literary skills that bring up the difficulty level of a verse....and your wording faltered.
Rhyme schemes were decent, solid enough.
Imagery was also okay...but I felt like there could've been better flow in the part where the vulture was dissecting the human...
This verse just felt very basic to me, tbh....not much depth.
Macabre: Where to begin? First of all...this reminded me of "Another Roadside Attraction" by Tom Robbins...ever read it? Your descriptive style resembles his. Conceptually, I interpreted this piece to be about consciousness and the different levels of comprehension.........and how desperation affects our consciousness. I could be wrong...this piece is abstract as fuck...but I really enjoyed it.
I liked the metaphor of illness....of decay....entropy definitely sends us to a mind altering state...and if we're so lucky as to reverse the entropy...or at least stall it, we're never quite the same. It effectively provided motion to a piece that could easily become stagnant in contemplation.
As far as your imagery, I thought it was evolved and effective...
Your rhyme schemes were unconventional...but clean, and well defined. I must admit, I don't love that method...........but I can't fault you for it, you executed it well.
Your wording was also pretty smooth....one thing that I wish there was more of, was a more transparent or concrete meaning.....perhaps you could have alluded to the true intention of your metaphor a bit more....but I kind of like my interpretation
There was a depth to your interpretation of your picture that I really appreciated...thanks for thinking past the surface.
As far as the voting goes....I think that these verses weren't just separated stylistically, I think that they were separated conceptually as well. Navage took a literal, and basic approach to his picture and chose to write a story....the story was effective, don't get me wrong....it just wasn't on teh same level as Macabre's metaphorical interpretation of his image. Macabre gets my vote based on his creativity and execution.
[YOUTUBE]2oVgq-QrwRM[/YOUTUBE]
Mac... gonna be honest. I disliked this as far as topical writing goes. Because it's practically NOT a topical (which is basically writing in rap form.. writing with a consistent flow). I mean, I love the writing.. I love the idea behind it. The wording was good.. the wording was in fact GOOD because you didn't really hold any consistent rhymescheme at all.. so it's easier to say what you want when you're not really rhyming. This felt a lot more poetic.. like something I may be interested in reading from you in PS... anyways... flow aside.. everything else about the piece seemed fine. Conceptually it was legit... what little flow it did have kept me somewhat interested. I can't lie to you though and say I enjoyed this as a topical piece... I just couldn't see the "rhymescheme" that everyone else is seeing.. you couldn't spit this over a beat... lol.
Navage... flow was way better here... concept was meh. I disliked how it didn't have any true moral or direction to it. Just really straight out there and in the open. Kind've made me say "and?" at the end as far as the whole main idea goes. I get what you're doing with the picture.. just felt there should have been more to the story you were trying to tell... ya know? wording was good. some blips in there. nothing over average really... I read through this a lot easier, but I really felt empty handed when I was finished... soooo... for that...
I've gotta edge it to Macabre because I actually got something out of his... this choice was barely my decision though. Against Iglosone, Fresh, Soulstice, or any of the heavy hitters though.. I really don't think a piece like this (flow wise) is gonna grab folks, Mac....
vote Macabre
Macabre wins.. 3-2.
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