Pitiful pretty
Limping, ash-eaten caterpillar
Brilliant moon veiled
Brittle
Smiles burnt to the butt
Snuffed, twisted down and whittled
A triste cloud
Suspended over the table
Still and silent aether
Lonely and little
Wheezing laughter squeezed
In heavier fistfuls
Pitiful pretty
In a whirling fog of illusion
The bit of pleasure
Bitter
Last edited by HighEngineChief; August 8th, 2014 at 06:46 PM
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Last edited by HighEngineChief; August 8th, 2014 at 06:45 PM
this was a simple read - the adjectives painted an awesome visual - and for the most part i thought this was a neat little poem
Pitiful pretty
In a whirling fog of illusion
The bit of pleasure
Bitter
favorite lines ^
anyways i thought your choice of vocabulary was on point
nothing to complex yet nothing simple helping paint a larger
picture without having to say to much.
props for this man - thanks for the read.
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HEC, you've done it again with this little gem. You have an amazing ability to use few words and paint pictures that have
layers and layers of imagination and words that have sweet music attached to them.
the introduction is soft and sweet...
"Pitiful pretty
Limping, ash-eaten caterpillar
Brilliant moon veiled
Brittle..."
I like all your stanzas, but my favourite is the outro. I really like the way it goes out.
"...
Pitiful pretty
In a whirling fog of illusion
The bit of pleasure
Bitter"
I like the emotion you link into the poetry. It's so nice.
Another good read HEC.
Such an artist.
Thank you for this.
Beautiful read.
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the 1st stanza was the shit. rest was ok.
halfshavenbanana potassium is the key.
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It was simple but it was to the point
I liked the wording in it but it lost the feel half way through
All in all good shit
Here's you a bump fella.
Your strength, from my perspective at least, is your wording. It's unique, and that highlights each of your pieces beautifully.
Wheezing laughter squeezed
In heavier fistfuls
^I really liked this one the most.
Keep dropping them, brah.
HEC, I'm glad you're doing more poetry like this. I was pleasantly surprised by how this was formulated. I think it shows good technique and knowledge in how to properly portray each line. The last lines/words of each stanza rhyming or close enough to it was an added bonus. What really caught my eye was the vocabulary you used. It was highly entertaining to see your use of phrases like smile burnt to the butt and laughter squeezed in heavier fistfuls. This piece brought imagery of a bar or house party to me with a half in/half out observer tone in the narration. At first I would have said it lacked emotion, but after multiple reads it's really the underlying component that's driving this poem and it's so subtle yet powerful. Good shit man. I really have nothing negative to say other than I wish it was longer. Thanks for the read.
-Mind
A ruthless
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of everything existing.Po'ethicsabstanticollective.
i kind of agreed with this. sup btw eric wimp - you still writing poetry?Originally Posted by halfshavenbanana
pretty phrasing proved pertinent.
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