pain

[apkblackman]

The pain in my heart
is equivalent to being stabbed by darts

I want to clear this pain
like spraying shout on a stain

I would do anything to remove this pain
One thought in my brain is cutting some veinz

But cutting some veinz will only cause more pain
Damn, I dont know how long i will be able to sustain

[apkblackman]

tell me if anything is wrong with it. I know prolly a lot of things are wrong.

[Ron B. Vicious]

don't space it out, put it all in one.

[apkblackman]

uppin

[apkblackman]

more critizm plz

[Bloom.Quist]

Arrite. Listen closely. U have alot of potential Dawg. 4real u jsut needto elevate.

The pain in my heart
is equivalent to being stabbed by darts
This line is aite, but u can work on ure emotion a lil more.
I want to clear this pain
like spraying shout on a stain
Nice stuff there
I would do anything to remove this pain
One thought in my brain is cutting some veinz
I like this line because at first i didnt understand but then i read the next line and it made sense...
But cutting some veinz will only cause more pain
Damn, I dont know how long i will be able to sustain
Best line outta the whole thing. This was dope. Emotion was good and it put a lil twist in ure story.

Overall i would say maybe if u made ure poems a lil longer u could add some emotion. Ure structure is good. And i can relate to the subject. Work on ure imagery a lil. Make it so the reader can literally picture in thier mind what ure going through.

Elevate Dawg. I like ure style.

~holla if ya hear me

[apkblackman]

thanks to all the replys. Ima try to elevate my style in future writings

[Bloom.Quist]

Looking forward to it.

[apkblackman]

uppin