Demented Creatures.

[Artist.]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...99#post3950099
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post3950081
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Demented Creatures.
::
Demented creatures, we open their portal by the flick of a light
Whether it’s an absolutely sunny day or its 11:00 P.M. at night
They burrow their way into the deepest crevices of our houses
When you hear the squeaks, it’s them,
Common nicknames for these immortal figures is: “Mouse’s”
You think your safe in your cozy home? you better think again
Because,
These frisky little critters are almost impossible to contain
They might seem harmless when you see them at first glance
But a touch by these creatures will leave you in a deadly trance
$100, think about it, is it worth the gamble to die over a souvenir
Because a bite from their invisible fangs could be extremely severe
::
Softly arising from a pillows warmth, comforting my gentle skin
Blankets wrapped tight around my body submerged, I am within
Frightened by these absurd actions, precaution is taken at every cost
Hands caressing my closed eyes shivering, afraid to accost
Brushed with a quick wind I notice spirits are again conjured
Whirling wind around my face, these notions of ghosts are absurd
My voice heard, spirits gather at my feet and begin the kidnapping
Resisting physical altercation, bleeding occurring due to lip chapping
::
I’m twisting and turning in bed, the pains massive, I can’t even bare
I’m wide awake at 1:00 in the mourning which is extremely rare
I hear vicious noises
Coming from my brain, I’m cuddled in the corner of my room
I jump off of the floor, afraid of the first thing I have assumed

*Turns On Light*
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Italics=Narrator
Tahoma=Story

[Artist.]

Answer.

[ryhmin for the t]

yo nice drop

ryhimin for the t vs.werd dmc cast ya votes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=271870

[Artist.]

Up.

[TheCrunkKing]

decent drop, i felt the flow, had decent rymes, structure was a lil off, need a lil elavation

[Artist.]

Bump.

[tonecrusher]

Demented creatures, we open their portal by the flick of a light
Whether it’s an absolutely sunny day or its 11:00 P.M. at night

^Weak, no doubt. Especially the second line, it's just not right man.

Softly arising from a pillows warmth, comforting my gentle skin

^Some faggot shit, man, lol

The flow's fine, though, the topic could be developed more powerfully, but it's nice. And try to use more original rhymes and shit.

Peace

Krit!cal

[Artist.]

Weiner^

[P. Mortuus]

Demented creatures, we open their portal by the flick of a light
Whether it’s an absolutely sunny day or its 11:00 P.M. at night

^Weak, no doubt. Especially the second line, it's just not right man.

Softly arising from a pillows warmth, comforting my gentle skin

^Some faggot shit, man, lol

The flow's fine, though, the topic could be developed more powerfully, but it's nice. And try to use more original rhymes and shit.

Peace

Krit!cal

I agree that the sunny day part put's some impact off a rather good line, however theres nothing wrong with "Softly arising from a pillows warmth, comforting my gentle skin", rapping/rhyming does not have o be gangsta or tough......a lil sensetivity does no harm

Overall, this was a good piece, good topic but could have been developed a lil more.........
Check this out if ya got time
Softly arising from a pillows warmth, comforting my gentle skin