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Thread: -Red-

  1. #1
    Mikey B
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Cali
    Age
    34
    Posts
    1,997
    Battle Record
    18-6

    -Red-

    Bullets barely missing-artillery ringing my ears
    I try to find a safe spot, as the shell echo nears
    I put my life on the line for my country and faced my biggest fears
    We finally make it to the bunker, all rationed out
    People dying of hunger and wounds, or passing out
    Our rest passed quickly then we set out again
    After a quick visit to the ammunition bin
    I put the ammunition in and I want this all to end
    Every shot I take is a sin and I’m losing every friend
    As we leave in formation death comes sequential
    Soldiers forfeiting their mold, cold-dead potential
    To the enemy lines we marched, not many remain
    Blood spilt to pay the countries debt-many were slain
    For some this life of war could have been maintained
    But there were those few in which this is all their destiny contained
    Every piece of land we gained, was ghostly and blood stained
    While in this battle a new sense of reality was obtained
    Every step taken, objective is prominent
    Teardrops, blood and sweat, determination is dominant
    The once peaceful land has been shaken awake and disturbed
    The death toll is absurd, the balance perturbed
    There’s only three left in my company now, such a shame
    All the people laid to rest are simply summed up by but a name
    We will forever mourn, our hearts are torn, but this task we must finish
    Our struggles have yet to diminish but our courage will replenish
    I have attempted to relay my thoughts and tell you how I feel
    I wish it wasn’t real, the solemn thoughts of my will
    Almost there, if we neutralize the target, just over the hill
    ………Then on my neck I felt the steel

  2. #2
    Mikey B
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Cali
    Age
    34
    Posts
    1,997
    Battle Record
    18-6
    c'mon people stop sleeping on this

  3. #3
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Posts
    10,394
    Battle Record
    18-1
    Awards OM HOF PS Champion/IE Champion PS HOF PS Season champ Legendary PC PC HOF
    The emotion was very clear which i liked, there was good imagery mixed with good wording and depth.
    Although a classic style of poem, it still worked extreamly well for you, it was a very good peice... I enjoyed readin it and would like to see more from you.

    Very well done.

    I'd appreciate some feed on my poem...
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=279644

    Thank you.
    AI


    “¡Viva la Revolución!”

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Seneka's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Newport, NC
    Age
    37
    Posts
    487
    It's a good poem, I though it started out strong, bogged down a bit in the middle, but regained its composure as it ended so other than that, there's no real problems with this piece.
    Got Personality?

  5. #5
    Word Of Mouth Kaotic Theory's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2004
    Location
    Grizzly City, California
    Age
    37
    Posts
    3,160
    Battle Record
    16-5
    Awards PC HOF OM HOF
    this shouldhave been nominated for hof....ill explain now, the emotion was tight and deep, the imagery was vivid and painted a real wicked picture for me,andthe structure,flow-rhyme scheme were all allright,anyways i liked this man ill probablr nominate this later dude.
    payce
    AI

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  6. #6
    Mikey B
    Join Date
    Aug 2005
    Location
    Cali
    Age
    34
    Posts
    1,997
    Battle Record
    18-6
    thanks k.t i'm droppin a nother one soon ohh and u too seneka

  7. #7
    ...
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Posts
    1,643
    Battle Record
    14-2
    This was my first time reading something from you, And I actually enjoyed this. This was a pretty cool topic, I did one like this a while back it was called "War", But anyways nice story tellin I like how you ended it, Stay up and keep droppin......

  8. #8
    Banned
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Age
    39
    Posts
    121
    Battle Record
    4-2
    when i starting reading this i really got into it..
    but as i keept going it just feel off and i felt like clicking back
    you need to stay consistent man other then that your all good

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