thanks.....rookie of the year or atleast.... most imrpoved award someone?!..please hand it to me....
thanks.....rookie of the year or atleast.... most imrpoved award someone?!..please hand it to me....
ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE
Stfu and do my sig lol... two hours on this feed lol
AI
“¡Viva la Revolución!”
^^lmfao.....iight
ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE
beauuuuuuutifal piece man. The imagry was so vivid and the way you came across was ruttled and highly emotional- even though it did not stick out in a jagged fashion through your writing. The opener was really well done. It really opened the whole piece up well. It leaves the reader with curiosity.
deffinatley fire. The expression is pretty unique in this, i could see myself writing something similar to this right here. mesmerizing & to the point, this stanza is nice.The clouds collage;
A rainy day, with light peeking
Curiously, at were that sound is coming from.
Tapping down…
And batting sounds into commotion,
Emotion settling in under my eyes…
…Seeping into deep sleep.
(RUBS EYES)
BODY:
ok the body of this poem was deffinatley the strongest part. In my opinion. It was like a dream almost, the description created that illusion. I liked the jaw line & the mirror meta, deffinatley very well written man. It seems like compared to your other pieces you were a little more personal, and thats a good thing.
Closer:
the ending was paced, witch brang out the true colours of the story into the readers eyes. In closing this was a dope piece, best ive read from you yet.
deff. HOF material.. keep writing, dont stop. if this is about a loss.. i can say that when i lost someone close i wasnt able to drop something like this, so i creidt you.
pz. & stay up
Yeah, God created this..
But he didn't stick around to babysit
thanks and yes tihs is about a loss...thanks for your time
ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE
uppin please?!.....
ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE
......the last stand of a titan.........
dope man.....................p-e-a-c-e...
gl with ya situation......perfect 10
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I.E: 1-0 (HHFS)-Good ol' DaysR o y a l
thanks man.
ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE
it seems like there was a lot missing from the story even though the content was a pretty good size. i liked it at best, but it's definitely not your best piece ever. I get the sentimental value writing this may of had to you, but sometimes even the saddest topics are the most overused. using something that happens everyday and describing it for what it is, was the only originality that I liked about this piece. there definitely is room for revising in this, like the way you worded shit and a couple small spelling errors, but other than that you had a great thing going here. it felt like i was being rushed but at the same time i was set at a pace inside the perspective of the storyteller. loved that part of it. other than what i've said, i can't honestly tell you this was my favorite piece from you, but i can say it was good. thanks for the read. the content and way it was written is most def HOF material, but for me on a personal level it just didn't feel like it.
- Nash
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...ns-338132.html
Walls Of Red: Sins of Marriage
thanks man appreciate your time and shall RTF.
ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE
Ah, this piece i have read over anbd over again i have seen it on another site when you wrote it for a topical tourney and then i said just how good i thought it was, your picture fitted the topic perfectly and your opening part brought me into the piece great, the emotion you had in this piece was god and imagery was present throughout each line which gave this piece some distinct significance in that department if you get me.
Will you ever return,
(SIGHS) this pain I cant stand
It burns with marks of love
Lashed out to show off.
She was my love…
…yet she never cameback.
He stole her from me…
…(GOD) why?...
So I close my eyes and finally let,
My them rest for the sun to rise.
Yet I fell into a deep sleep,
To spend eternity with you.
.
.
.
Til we meet again
^ That i loved, it was very good this really ended the piece fantastically. I really liked the imagery and the emotion in there. All i can say is this was nice.
-Thomas.
Legend.
RB Original.
Meta. Convicts.
18-0 Crew Record, 06-07 Best Crew.
-Saving my spot here for some good feed.
murder murder
thanks/
ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE
Well my first time reading this,I had to go back and read it atleast two more times.You had a very sensational way with words in the entire piece which made it enjoyable even the second time around lol.The tittle went over my head taught it was gone to be something done before just in a different way,but was I fooled.It wasn't much of a story line as I thought it would be,very new (or should I say just original).The picture you used for this piece was nice and went along with the piece the whole way,sometimes I have a hard time finding let alone a good picture very nice.Great opener to an even better piece here my dude..You grabbed my attention and did not bore me to def in the beginning like some people do.The Despair,made the great emotion come upon this piece overall good way to build things up here.As I keep reading you brought even more raw emotion and rhyme wise everything seemed to click.Nice overall backup to the start.You had great description and detail following up the opener which made this nice.Great piece of poetry here Write,everything seemed flawless and so on point.Emotion thought out this piece ran high like I expected.From the start to the finish you had me into the read couldn't of enjoyed this any better.Description and detail wise you created illusions and made me visualize many of things the whole entire read.
I put my glasses down to see a blur figure
I de-pressure my sight and relax…
….I see myself in the mirror.
I feel washed up but it was just the water dropping
Hitting the hollow sink… as my emotions continued talking
(enjoyed this part here very well written to me)
Will you ever return,
(SIGHS) this pain I cant stand
It burns with marks of love
Lashed out to show off.
She was my love…
…yet she never cameback.
He stole her from me…
…(GOD) why?...
So I close my eyes and finally let,
My them rest for the sun to rise.
Yet I fell into a deep sleep,
To spend eternity with you.
.
.
.
Til we meet again
(then this was a hell of a ending had me feeling everything Very good emotion)
Overall great job I think poets who want to advance in poetry should read this for the fact that it was just a perfect example of a true poet.Hof work here my dude.
Last edited by Wordz.; June 20th, 2007 at 01:10 AM
The first stanza doesn't really capture me the way I feel it should. I think it sets the atmosphere for something calm, collective, and deep. I don't like the (I Think), I feel it gets in the way of the poem's transition. One thing I don't get is how you're pacing back in forth...in a chair? I think your language is a bit wrong there, could have been worded better my friend.
The second stanza keeps the imagery rolling with a serene scene of sitting down and watching the rain fall, although I see a grammar error, I think "were" is supposed to be "where". The second stanza is much better than the first, very solid.
I don't like the first lines of the third stanza because the words sort of contradict themselves in a strange way, not like the Shakespearean:
"O heavy lightness, serious vanity,
Misshapen choas of well-seeming forms,
Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health,"
(Romeo And Juliet)
But it seems sloppy, you say the nightingale is vigorous, but whispers softly, it just doesn't keep the imagery steady. Watch your words carefully my friend, let all the lines reflect each other and build each other to form your poem. Moving on, I like the ignite goosebumps line, that works really well. Everyone has had that feeling and your diction really makes it come alive in a new way. Ah! And we come to the central point of the piece, the search. Looking for what was never there, finding that pain within ourselves that we can't share with others. It's a deep wound that we all share and everyone can relate to. I like it. The third stanza could use a bit of tightening up but it does its job well. One tip though, your poem could do without the "..." its kind of pointless considering that a comma would work and make your poem look more structured.
Hmm, on to the next. I'm not liking this stanza. Starting off with de-pressure, it just doesn't fit the atmosphere. The mirror shows that I was right earlier about finding the pain within yourself. I think this is my least favorite of all the stanzas. I don't like how it ends, I think you could have ended this stanza much better than "emotions talking". It sounds uninspired and doesn't do much for the entire piece.
I'm finding myself uninterested with the piece now. I'd stop reading about now, if I didn't have to keep going. Lets see, this verse is too short for its worth, nothing much. Repetition and the (again) and the end doesn't add anything.
Oh man, the (sighs), I feel like I'm roleplaying with someone on aim. But now a pivotal turn in the piece, a girl. I guess this is some reflective piece about looking into yourself to find the love you once had, feeling as if she took it all from you. I think there is a grammar error on the lines
"So I close my eyes and finally let,
My them rest for the sun to rise."
I don't think that My belongs there, I could be wrong. And it ends with a plea to god and the hope for return.
I think this was a respectable try at this type of poem. You have some work to do, but it's understandable. I like that this is inspired by real situations, I could sense that in the way you worded it. I think you should get some collabs started and read some poetry from published authors to gain insight into molding your pieces into a complete work of art. Keep at it my friend.
murder murder