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Thread: Hell Spawn.

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    Hell Spawn.



    "Just open your eyes, see that life is beautiful.
    Will you swear on your life, that no one will cry,
    at my funeral."
    -SIXX: AM

    They suit me up, paint my face over
    as they slowly cry; I become colder.
    My grandchildren grow older - wiser
    and the sky seems to become brighter.
    My passion for life becomes a desire,
    but this tomb has already caught on fire.
    Is this cremation? Or a shipment to hell?
    Either way, rest in peace -
    is held behind a cell.

    Where my life’s fallen, my children will pick up.
    Grab the side of my coffin, and leave it shut.
    For them, this doesn't happen often.
    But they've lived it enough to hold no problem.
    Losing a life, finding a death -
    while all they do is take a breath.
    They've seen peace, they've seen fear.
    Living a life of death and tortured atmosphere.
    Seeing violence and silence rebelled.
    Wishing for their father to be impaled.
    And their wishes came true, here I lie.
    In a cage, living the consequence of suicide.

    And as it rains on my tomb -
    my fourth child.
    Screams and shouts from his mothers womb.
    Angry and wild.
    the world is now doomed, set to be abused.
    Because Satan’s fourth child is now loose.

    Welcome Damian.

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    Last edited by Saint Louis; November 3rd, 2007 at 02:30 PM

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    Re: Hell Spawn.

    Leave Links, I will return the favor.

  4. #4
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Re: Hell Spawn.

    you must have just watched the omen or some shit.
    you had a decent concept (as usual) but your flow and word choice was off. you COULD have had a great piece if you would have taken your time instead of rushing a few lines.. and considering you had 8 words a line on average, its hard to make a good rhymescheme or touch up your flow. i'm still saying you need to elevate, which is a good thing because that means you have some potential. but you need to TAKE YOUR TIME and SLLLLOOOOWWWW DOWWWNNN... ok? well just a bit of advice but rtf if you could on my recent piece with Tim called Capturing Whispers. thanks.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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    Re: Hell Spawn.

    lol, thanks. I just left feedback on your piece as well so that's cool. I'll slow down next time.
    IJL - I'm Coming Back!

  6. #6
    The Notorious E.N.G. Engivale's Avatar
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    Re: Hell Spawn.

    Weird little piece, here, not sure why the father is Satan... or why you decided to include that he had killed himself... not to mention at the beginning it talks about grandchildren, not children, LoL, I think you redecided on what you were writing about but it's all good...

    The flow is slow... syllable counts are off all the time on this, but that will get better with more writing... you really need to set your words to a rhythm, try to write to a beat, it is much more difficult but you will have a more polished product rhythmically...

    There is one thought in this I really enjoyed, though...

    Is this cremation? Or a shipment to hell?
    Either way, rest in peace -
    is held behind a cell.
    Proves that there's more than meets the eye to you, that was pretty philosophical... Nice point... anyways, thanks for reading my piece, man, I enjoyed reading yours.

    A.I.

    "She managed to extract from the restriction itself a further delicate thought, like good poets whom the tyranny of rhyme forces into the discovery of their finest lines."


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    Re: Hell Spawn.

    Wow man, this was an unusally drop....lol. Still a pretty good piece though. Flow was kinda off point but otherwise, pretty good drop man.

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