Dont trip

[HYPOKRIT]

Ok Ok ... This dudes freaking eyes rollin back, he stares at the ceiling
Babbling nonsense some chick screams she "scared and shes leaving"
Keep calm i didnt tell him to eat that many, someone shoulda stopped him
Lock him in a room till he comes down hope the cops dont come knockin
The room is spinning sweat is streaming, im out of it fast
Check my watch...
What the fuck is this now a whole hour has passed
Grab a bottle pour the whiskey and im downin the glass
Terrible visions im confused and so fuckin terrified
What happened to that guy trippin out, i hope no one let him die
Someone says he went home walked off down the road
Still babbling nonsense white powder around his nose
Im bound to go to jail for this...
I shoulda never let that weak dude hang around a man and his thugs
Guy was cool how could i know he couldnt handle his drugs
Shits hittin again coming in waves, windows to the darkest dimension
I wake up again in a strange bedroom with three cops asking me questions
Havent got the slightest idea i couldnt answer for certain if i wanted too
Try to pay attention seems they want to know who murdered this prostitute
Couldnt be me but why is there blood on my hands
Doors open, the cops look relaxed, threw a punch and i ran
Dont look back short of breath, darkness is coming again
Wake up suddenly different place and im buggin again
My whole bodies hurtin is there a slug in my frame
Im in a friends bathroom I thought this was a game
So thirsty drink some water then im pissin for days
Memory starts kicking in bad feelings are rising realising what happened last night
Check my phone text message says that dude got his neck snapped in a fight
But at least im ok, im still sane but barely alive after a dip in the deepend
Back of my mind i know im so stupid ill take the same trip on the weekend....

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...pt-399059.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...id-398955.html

[Issue]

ok ok ... This dudes freaking eyes rollin as back stares at the ceiling
babbling nonsense some chick screams she "scared and shes leaving"
keep calm i didnt tell him to eat that many someone shoulda stopped him
now someone gotta lock him in a room till he comes down hope the cops dont come knockin...
knock knock knock... what the fuck is that now an hour has passed
where the fuck were you man, i was faced down in the grass
im confused so fuckin terrified
what happened to that guy trippin out hope no one let him die
someone says he went home walked off down the road
still babbling nonsense white powder around his nose
im bound to go to jail for this...
i shoulda never let that weak dude hang around a man and his thugs
guy was cool how could i know he couldnt handle his drugs
shits hittin again coming in waves windows to the darkest dimension
i wake up again in a strange bedroom with three cops asking me questions
havent got the slightest idea i couldnt answer for certain if i wanted too
i try to pay attention seems they want to know who murdered this prostitute
couldnt be me but why is there blood on my hands
doors open cops are relaxed, throw a punch and i ran
dont look back short on breath darkness is coming again
wake up suddenly different place im buggin again, slug in my frame
at least it feels like it ...
im in a friends bathroom where this all started note on the mirror says "meet at the border"
So fucking dehydrated i drink at least a litre or water
memory starts kicking in bad feelings are rising realising what happened last night
check my phone text message says that dude got snapped in a fight
but at least hes ok im still sane barely alive after a dip in the deepend
back of my mind i know im still stupid and ill take the same trip on the weekend....

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...pt-399059.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...id-398955.html

Aye, this started out a lot like Eminems "My Fault" off the Slim Shady LP. The guy tripping and going loco lol.
This was an okay topic to raise, Hypokrit, it's one that is played but can always be freshened up. It's unfortunate the way you worded it at times because it was hard to comprehend in certain parts,

ok ok ... This dudes freaking eyes rollin as back stares at the ceiling

&

dont look back short on breath darkness is coming again

Them two lines stood out to me as in need of some revision on them. They didn't make a lot of sense and could have done with a few more reads to grasp it from a readers point of view, as sometimes the writer knows what he means and that's all he sees. A comma or a couple could have broken up the second line well there.

I don't look back, I'm short on breath & the darkness is coming again,

It just looks better and is easier to understand.


I've never been one for the centered pieces either, not since around 06 when I used to use them HA! I just think they make the whole thing look untidy due to stretched lines and looks better if they're all leading from the same place.

i wake up again in a strange bedroom with three cops asking me questions
havent got the slightest idea i couldnt answer for certain if i wanted too
i try to pay attention seems they want to know who murdered this prostitute
couldnt be me but why is there blood on my hands
doors open cops are relaxed, throw a punch and i ran
dont look back short on breath darkness is coming again

In my eyes, looks better than,

i wake up again in a strange bedroom with three cops asking me questions
havent got the slightest idea i couldnt answer for certain if i wanted too
i try to pay attention seems they want to know who murdered this prostitute
couldnt be me but why is there blood on my hands
doors open cops are relaxed, throw a punch and i ran
dont look back short on breath darkness is coming again

You understand?

Some capital letters and all-round grammer could improve this piece, ending a sentence with a capital letter so it doesn't seem just one big rushed piece. Perhaps also skim some of the lines, or extend them into two to fit better.

now someone gotta lock him in a room till he comes down hope the cops dont come knockin...

Can be,

now someone gotta lock him in a room till he comes down,
He's coughin' & I hope the cops dont come knockin 'round.

Overall, this piece was fairly average but the higher state of average you see on this site. Just takes a few more proof reads and probably the odd line revision and it could help it in the long run, you as a writer.

Good luck man.

[HYPOKRIT]

Yeah i thought centered made it easier to read is all. Thanks for your comments i dont write much in everyday life i guess thats why my grammer and punctuation is shit.

I sorta meant it too change speeds and be a bit scattered if you have ever gotten really fucked up thats what its like for me. Ill edit it now and see if i can make it work better.

Oh and i dont listen to eminem.

[Issue]

Yeah i thought centered made it easier to read is all. Thanks for your comments i dont write much in everyday life i guess thats why my grammer and punctuation is shit.

I sorta meant it too change speeds and be a bit scattered if you have ever gotten really fucked up thats what its like for me. Ill edit it now and see if i can make it work better.

Oh and i dont listen to eminem.

[YOUTUBE]<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/1kLKCn18JW4&hl=en&fs=1"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/1kLKCn18JW4&hl=en&fs=1" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>[/YOUTUBE]

Take a listen and see what I mean, man.

[HYPOKRIT]

Im at like 99% of my downloads for this month. I think i might have heard it a while ago.
I got the idea from reading something on here. I was planning to put my personal experiences in but i started writing and it didnt work like that. So i just tried to write make a story that would keep the reader entertained.

Tell me what you think of it now?

[Issue]

Ok Ok ... This dudes freaking eyes rollin as back, he stares at the ceiling
Babbling nonsense some chick screams she "scared and shes leaving"
Keep calm i didnt tell him to eat that many, someone shoulda stopped him
Lock him in a room till he comes down hope the cops dont come knockin
The room is spinning sweat is streaming, im out of it fast
Check my watch...
What the fuck is this now a whole hour has passed
Grab a bottle pour the whiskey and im downin the glass
Terrible visions im confused and so fuckin terrified
What happened to that guy trippin out, i hope no one let him die
Someone says he went home walked off down the road
Still babbling nonsense white powder around his nose
Im bound to go to jail for this...
I shoulda never let that weak dude hang around a man and his thugs
Guy was cool how could i know he couldnt handle his drugs
Shits hittin again coming in waves, windows to the darkest dimension
I wake up again in a strange bedroom with three cops asking me questions
Havent got the slightest idea i couldnt answer for certain if i wanted too
Try to pay attention seems they want to know who murdered this prostitute
Couldnt be me but why is there blood on my hands
Doors open, the cops look relaxed, threw a punch and i ran
Dont look back short of breath, darkness is coming again
Wake up suddenly different place and im buggin again
My whole bodies hurtin is there a slug in my frame
Im in a friends bathroom I thought this was a game
So thirsty drink some water then im pissin for days
Memory starts kicking in bad feelings are rising realising what happened last night
Check my phone text message says that dude got his neck snapped in a fight
But at least im ok, im still sane but barely alive after a dip in the deepend
Back of my mind i know im so stupid ill take the same trip on the weekend....

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...pt-399059.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...id-398955.html

it's youtube, you dont need to download.


Yeah, man. The revision suits it well. Good work. Maybe sort out that first line, I don't understand it "Rolling as back,"

Other than that, good job. Read more of your stuff soon dude,

take it easy

[noncentz]

no hate twin this wasnt a bad read at all had its flaws but if this were audio i think your delivery tweeked it up. some parts had no umph but the image was there and you have that something that saves it but never the less we here to elivate and this wasnt bad you want to do some friendly online open mic drama? just to battle some

[HYPOKRIT]

Streaming is the same as downloading except you dont end with the info on your computer.

noncentz : Reading it again today i agree it did lack "umph". I guess i was going more for imagery and storytelling which seems to have worked. Thanks for the feedback.

What do you mean open mic drama? I dont really know what you mean.

[noncentz]

open moc drama its just like not a real beef but some dissing tracks against one another not to start beaf but sharpen the old skills thats all and umph isnt that song in general you didnt do bad umph is like playing with the words in different ways then multis just to basically see if the reader is truly paying attention

[Issue]

Return the favour, I'm just trying to get back into writing after about a year off lol.




Shallow Water.

[Well Versed]

not too bad...only thing that was fukin me up was ya flow...hard to fukin follow...ummmmm idk bout that song my fault...but i have heard this concept before...one thing that was lackin was tha hook...nothing in this hooked me into readin tha rest of it...u rele gotta get ur readerz...anyway...bad flow...ok concept...good imagery n shyt...good vocab...ok metaphorz n shyt...this was an OK READ...KEEP ON WRITING BRUH!!!

yo RTF on any of my drops...

[Kapital J]

Honestly at first i thought this was like a diss verse but then i read the rest and i just though tot myself ....."Damn" nice piece. I don't like the structure but hey i have no room to talk lol nice.

[Kazper™]

wow dude, this took me ona roller coaster ride reading it. The flow was nice and rhyme scheme... well, it was there but fell off at some points. But the over all story was just like wow lol. Felt like I was reading a movie. Specially when it came up to the part wakein' up around cops and shit... This was a nice job and you did awesome for sticking to the concept. I personally like the way you ended it... I just hate that it ended at all lol. This topic has so much potential, I'm surprised You didn't keep going. Oh and liek something said, yeah the first part did remind me of my fault from eminem, but On the real... hella nice twist. Btw, my fault he fed the a chick mushrooms and she tripped... this one bud tripped on cocain and got his neck snapped ina fight lol.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...nk-399845.html

[JPC]

I agree with the eminem - my fault comment. First thing that popped into my head when i read it too. Nice flow, good topic. I liked it.