customer service for one.

[Jamhuri]

After the third ring I pick up
and turn the earpiece up
in case you don’t speak up.
I talk first, to infect you
with my warmed heart.
You say whatever you’re saying
and I spice my responses with ‘baby’
My phone is harder pressed
to the ear, keen to catch every phrase
because the ‘sorry?’s piss me off too.
I listen.
I listen.
I catch on to your mood,
having given up mine for your good.
Soon its over. Four minutes so far
and my back is back on the sofa,
My face jovial,
the volume to your favorite song
turned up on Jet Audio...

[Jamhuri]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...095/index.html

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...395/index.html

[Jamhuri]

feedback yo

[P. Mortuus]

Hmmm....well not sure what to make of it, at first I thought it was some sex line worker talking about his/her client then the last couple of songs made me think maybe it was just a regular boyfriend/girlfriend type piece idk....a very Chris Black type of poem but needed a bit of polishing, not a fan of the 3 ups that were used at the start though.

[Jamhuri]

who is Chris Black? send me a link

[Spoken Deity]

Id argue this isnt bad... I'd edit out the 'up' bit and play around with what you could do. A few other places need re-wording aswell. For a short piece, it connect. However, I think you just need to make this a bit longer, give it some extra story and add to it.
Keep it up dude the rtf on someone elses poem

[Spekz.]

^^agree with them on the ups...but this read suprisingly good...the concept led me to believe this would be juvenile and poor...however, i thought you made something nice outta very little. It was mind boggling..it was basic, but it had this air of intelligence to it..and was rather fluent. with a hint of good mechanics, imagery, emotions etc.... its hard to explain..it was dry in thought but great in effort... idk, basically, for what you wanted to get out of it..i think it was rather successful in a small magnitude.

[Jamhuri]

thanks ya'll. Id basically grown tired of being slept on. I'll give an eye to the suggestions.