the poem that will never be read.

[obseqious]

Delete

[obseqious]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...941/index.html
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...373/index.html

[Escape Artist]

I noticed a few spelling errors and you should have used better language.
Really I was expecting big things when I saw the title and this wasn't up to par.
Try to write this again and make it longer. Add some more imagery and try using better language. Instead of using .... all the time; try some better grammer.

[abiona]

Yeah, this definitely needs some cleaning up. I get where you are going with it, but in order for it to read as a strong piece, there are some areas that need some improvement.

As was said above, you use the ellipses ... too much. It adds to the fractured 'jumping around" feel that I got from the piece, like the pieces don't fit together completely. You can tell they are all related, but there seems like more to the story that is not within the lines.

The explanation at the end... shouldn't be needed. We should be able to get that from reading the piece. I think you could accomplish that better if you were more specific in the piece. You are writing in general terms about general things so the point doesn't come across as strong.

You have a good start, but I think it could definitely use some further development.

[obseqious]

THANK YOU, BUT UNFORTUNATLY UNLESS YOU ARE A SPECIFIC PERSON YOU PROBABLY WONT UNDERSTAND THE POEM....
lol
SORRY CAPS*

[juliawhispers]

Although, I am not this "certain person" you speak of.. I still find meaning in the poem.
You tailored it in a way which is broad enough to be admired by many, but precise enough (i'm sure) to be effective towards the person you are addressing.
It is very well done, I will read it time and time again.

[Phoenix.]

This was good for what it was. I like where you was going firstly and how it said that people act unaturally to be seen how they want to be seen whilst other people only see what they want to see and so on. Or at least that's what I got from it. There was a few spelling errors but it wasn't enough to make me dislike the piece. I must admit that the over use of elipses was weird though, some could of been replaced with comma's surely. Overall I liked the concept more than the actual piece but it was worth the read.

[Dan K]

if we cant understand not being the actual person, you shouldnt have posted it...just saying

It was a good piece but im not sure why you had half of it centered in one form and the other in free lance. It made it seem like the werent together and i wasnt even sure if the second half was part of the poem or not. It was a good concept but it needs to be cleaned up a bit.

[obseqious]

well the elipses are there to pause as in, there are multiple realities"" to that part or im overy emphasizing on a certain part, and yes julia, someone fought back and said yes i can understand it, even after i said what i said, that makes her a fav in my book! im glad you see my view and see what i was trying to portray, a detailed and presice exsplination of a cituation that is unkown to many except a few, however the next question is, julia, how do you know if this poem wasnt meant for you, or somone else, lol...who was this to LOL

thank you all for the feed.

[juliawhispers]

Well O - I think that you have put into words what a lot of people can't when they most desperately want to be able to...
I'm sure you intended this poem to be read by someone specific - but if you're anything like me you have a box of unsent letters...
- And I know it isn't about me because I always try and see the whole truth without passign judgement. :P

[The Messenger]

I belive the piece should be as long as it take st get the point across, and your point very clear keep em coming my friend

[Lizman]

Hm.... Hm... It had some quality to it I must say though the most interesting feature of it was the title itself... which was encompassed throughout the whole verse
I also suggest cleaning your Keyboard