Stillborn.

[Alco-Holly]

Stillborn.

Languishing in liquids... cowering with eyes unopened,
Suspended...drifting...floating... in a solitary tomb,
Her mother’s womb. ..

She stutters, coughing, croaking, life restricted, almost choking,
Charred lungs from dope that mom’s been smoking...
Strokes the coating of her prison with a feeble finger nail,
Doting on the one connector who impounds her in this jail...
Her source of life...her coffin nail...narrator in this sorry tale...
Of death...

She wept for birth and freedom, for her fragile heart to beat between them,
Hemming them in... kicking, screaming from substances unknown,
Wanting alone to be the reason...her courage, potency receding...
A knotted chord restricts her breathing and pumps this flame abroad...
The burning rush of heroin...
The searing cramps that mom ignored...

Blood boils beneath her blazing skin...the scorching heat,
Fevers within, her lungs implode in narcotic flame,
Chaotic shaking rocks her fragile frame, and then a burst of igneous pain,
That withers the cells in her heat-oppressed brain,
The fatal dose via the vein of the one who flushed life down the drain...
Quite literally.....

She pulls the chain...

A half-formed life is flushed away...

And she’s to blame...

She sits tormented on bloodstained sheets
And silently weeps for the life that might have been...

[Soule]

Emotion and imagery was probably your strongpoint in this poem. Vocabulary was nice, but some of the word placement took away from the smoothness of the read. You've got a ton of potential though for sure. The concept was pretty original, but also in the sense it's been done quite a bit. I'd say join Scytsophrenia and I'll take you under my wing. I like was I see, just would like some of the knots in your wording to untangle. Keep it up.

[unadored]

Pieces like this are always good and however they turn out, or what form they take you can tell it's written from the heart. In terms of feedback I agree with Deathwish that imagery was the stronghold of the read. Allthough I thought alot of your images where played, they allowed the reader to draw natural emotion from your storytelling. I liked how you ended the piece. The 'blood stained sheets', adding that was nice and it kept the piece raw and it was good vivid imagery to end on.

[Alco-Holly]

Thanks alot guys, I've just started getting back into writing after a huuuuge absence, so I may take you up on that offer Deathwish. Think being part of a crew may help me get back to where I was.

[Soule]

Writing with other hall of famers will help a lot.